Monday, October 9, 2017

A Letter to My First Baby

Dear Sawyer- This time 3 years ago, I was gearing up to meet you. As a first time mom, I had all of these plans and expectations and I just knew how being a parent was going to be. I was so completely wrong though, but in the best possible way.

I knew I was going to love you; I loved you before I even met you. But I was not prepared for the moment they gave you to me. Time stopped, everyone disappeared, and it was just you and me. And oh my goodness, how I loved you. Only a mother can understand that feeling-your heart is so full it feels like it's going to explode and you know then and there why you were put on this earth. It's all encompassing. I knew I would move mountains for you, Sawyer Penn.

So much about your birth and early days are a blur to me, but one thing stands out. I remember holding you in the hospital and rubbing my cheek on the top of your head; Your hair was so soft and you were just so new. I couldn't stop breathing you in. I hope I never forget that feeling because it is probably the best moment I've had in my entire life.

I've learned so much from you these past three years. How it feels to put someone completely before myself. How to keep trucking on when I'm sick or tired, because I know you need me. I've learned to find enjoyment and laughter in the simple things- a bubble beard in the bath, a new train, a caterpillar on our flowers.

I call you a sour patch kid and you really are. You are the sweetest, kindest little boy. You love so fiercely and I hope you never lose that. You also have opinions and a temper, but what almost 3 year old doesn't? You are quick to let me know if you don't like something and you are a master negotiator. You are so freaking smart and you're the most hilarious person I've ever met. Your laugh just explodes out of you and I love it so much.

You love Thomas the Train and Paw Patrol. You love reading books and hearing "Sawyer Stories" at bedtime. You are obsessed with excavators, dump trucks, diggers, etc. You know what each one is and you'll correct me in a second if I'm wrong. You love when I sing "Constellations" and "Wagon Wheel" at bedtime, though you call it "Land of the Pies." Your favorite song for daddy to sing at bedtime is "Hey Jude." Your bunny goes everywhere you go. You love Blake Shelton, building train tracks with your daddy, swimming in the pool, and helping to cook. Your best buddies are Jonah and Des and you love them so much!

I have no idea how these past 3 years have gone by so fast. It feels like no time at all, but it also feels like you've been in our lives forever.

Now that we are gearing up to meet your little brother, I worry. I worry about dividing my time between the two of you. You have taken up my whole heart for the past 3 years and while I know that I have more than enough room for another baby, it will be weird at first. I hope you never for a second think that we love you less. I just know this little baby is going to love you so much. And you are going to be such an amazing big brother. You'll teach him all the important things, like the names of all the Thomas trains and how to sweet talk mommy into reading more books. He's going to look up to you, and I can't imagine a better big brother for him.

I'm not a perfect mama, but you love and trust me anyway. Some days I might be short on patience or too tired, and goodness knows I make mistakes. But you never hold it against me. I can't promise to get everything right once your brother is here either, but I'll try my hardest. Just know that I love you both so SO much.

Lately when I've asked you how you got so big or if you are my big boy, you've been telling me, "No, I'm your baby." And you're right. No matter how many babies we have or whether you're 3 or 30, you will always be my baby. My FIRST baby. The one who made me a mama. The one who taught me that my heart could exist outside my body. The one who gave me purpose. I am forever grateful for that.

Sawyer, you and your brother are the good in this world. I hope that your daddy and I are able to give you the confidence you need to be whoever you are meant to be. I have so many wishes for the two of you, but the most important is that you know are you loved, absolutely no matter what.

Thank you for trusting me and loving me, Little Man. I love you- all my heart, rest of my life, and even more than that.

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