Monday, October 9, 2017

A Letter to My First Baby

Dear Sawyer- This time 3 years ago, I was gearing up to meet you. As a first time mom, I had all of these plans and expectations and I just knew how being a parent was going to be. I was so completely wrong though, but in the best possible way.

I knew I was going to love you; I loved you before I even met you. But I was not prepared for the moment they gave you to me. Time stopped, everyone disappeared, and it was just you and me. And oh my goodness, how I loved you. Only a mother can understand that feeling-your heart is so full it feels like it's going to explode and you know then and there why you were put on this earth. It's all encompassing. I knew I would move mountains for you, Sawyer Penn.

So much about your birth and early days are a blur to me, but one thing stands out. I remember holding you in the hospital and rubbing my cheek on the top of your head; Your hair was so soft and you were just so new. I couldn't stop breathing you in. I hope I never forget that feeling because it is probably the best moment I've had in my entire life.

I've learned so much from you these past three years. How it feels to put someone completely before myself. How to keep trucking on when I'm sick or tired, because I know you need me. I've learned to find enjoyment and laughter in the simple things- a bubble beard in the bath, a new train, a caterpillar on our flowers.

I call you a sour patch kid and you really are. You are the sweetest, kindest little boy. You love so fiercely and I hope you never lose that. You also have opinions and a temper, but what almost 3 year old doesn't? You are quick to let me know if you don't like something and you are a master negotiator. You are so freaking smart and you're the most hilarious person I've ever met. Your laugh just explodes out of you and I love it so much.

You love Thomas the Train and Paw Patrol. You love reading books and hearing "Sawyer Stories" at bedtime. You are obsessed with excavators, dump trucks, diggers, etc. You know what each one is and you'll correct me in a second if I'm wrong. You love when I sing "Constellations" and "Wagon Wheel" at bedtime, though you call it "Land of the Pies." Your favorite song for daddy to sing at bedtime is "Hey Jude." Your bunny goes everywhere you go. You love Blake Shelton, building train tracks with your daddy, swimming in the pool, and helping to cook. Your best buddies are Jonah and Des and you love them so much!

I have no idea how these past 3 years have gone by so fast. It feels like no time at all, but it also feels like you've been in our lives forever.

Now that we are gearing up to meet your little brother, I worry. I worry about dividing my time between the two of you. You have taken up my whole heart for the past 3 years and while I know that I have more than enough room for another baby, it will be weird at first. I hope you never for a second think that we love you less. I just know this little baby is going to love you so much. And you are going to be such an amazing big brother. You'll teach him all the important things, like the names of all the Thomas trains and how to sweet talk mommy into reading more books. He's going to look up to you, and I can't imagine a better big brother for him.

I'm not a perfect mama, but you love and trust me anyway. Some days I might be short on patience or too tired, and goodness knows I make mistakes. But you never hold it against me. I can't promise to get everything right once your brother is here either, but I'll try my hardest. Just know that I love you both so SO much.

Lately when I've asked you how you got so big or if you are my big boy, you've been telling me, "No, I'm your baby." And you're right. No matter how many babies we have or whether you're 3 or 30, you will always be my baby. My FIRST baby. The one who made me a mama. The one who taught me that my heart could exist outside my body. The one who gave me purpose. I am forever grateful for that.

Sawyer, you and your brother are the good in this world. I hope that your daddy and I are able to give you the confidence you need to be whoever you are meant to be. I have so many wishes for the two of you, but the most important is that you know are you loved, absolutely no matter what.

Thank you for trusting me and loving me, Little Man. I love you- all my heart, rest of my life, and even more than that.

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Sunday, October 8, 2017

Growing Baby 2- 37 Weeks!

I haven't done an actual update in a long time. It's been a combination of life and a toddler and not really having much to say. Last week, however, Little Man decided to throw us for a loop.

A few weeks ago, my OB noticed that baby's heart was adding an extra beat. He had me do a non-stress test and they decided that he was fine. Last week, October 5 (37 weeks exactly), I went in for my weekly check up and Dr. Rone noticed that his heart was still adding the beat and it was a little more prominent. He sent me over for another NST and that doctor immediately unhooked me from the monitors and had me do an ultrasound.

The next few minutes were a blur. She was throwing around words like "emergency c-section," "ambulance," "hospital," and "You're having this baby right now, call your husband." I was terrified. I didn't know what was going on with the baby. I called David and had to give the phone to the doctor because I couldn't get any words out.

Thankfully, Dr. Rone came in about that time and told everyone to chill out, more or less. I did not need an ambulance and my baby was not dying. He asked me if I would like David to drive me to the hospital and told me that he would be over to check on me soon.

Once we were at the hospital, I got settled in a room and was told again that we were having a baby that day. I still didn't know if that meant induction or c-section. I still didn't really know what was going on with little man. Finally, the head of high risk came in and explained that his heart was adding an extra beat (which we already knew) and that I would be meeting with a fetal cardiologist to determine how severe things were. I had a 30 minute long ultrasound with the cardiologist and he determined that M's heart has no abnormalities but he was having premature atrial contractions. Every third beat, his heart would add in an extra. But he said that the ventricles and the rest of his heart were dealing with it as they should. He said that most people have these episodes at some point in their lives. From his standpoint, he said that baby was fine and would not need to come that day but I had to meet with high risk for the ultimate decision.

Fast forward a few hours later, and the high risk doctor came in to talk about our options. We got Dr. Rone on the phone and ultimately decided that I was too overwhelmed to make any kind of decision that day. I went home, was up all night worrying, and then met with Dr. Rone the next day.

Let me just say that I am so, so lucky to have the doctor that I do. He listens, he advocates for me, and I have complete trust in him. I know that there are many women who do not have that luxury. He sat with me for almost 45 minutes and did his best to calm me down and answer my questions.

At that point, our options were:

*Do nothing and let him come when he's ready, but go in two or three times a week for ultrasounds to make sure his heart is still ok. I haven't been able to eat or sleep since Thursday, so I don't think putting myself through 3 more weeks of worry is the best thing for me or baby.
*Get induced right away.
*Or, what we ultimately decided, wait a week, have two ultrasounds this week, and then get my membranes swept Thursday and get induced Friday.

That option worked best for me for a number of reasons. I felt better giving him that extra week. We'll be 38 weeks and a day when I'm induced. Dr. Rone is on call next weekend and will be the doctor delivering. With such a special circumstance, the increased risk of c-section, and my pregnancy anxiety, I needed him to be the one delivering this baby.

I'm a nervous wreck. I know that birth plans are just plans and they change. But I was really hoping for a healing birth this time. To get the chance to labor at home and shoot for that natural birth I wanted. So I'm mourning that a bit. I'm also terrified of being induced and dealing with the Pitocin contractions. I also know that being induced doubles my chances for a c-section, not to mention the fact that the likelihood of a c-section was already increased because of little man's heart. I have never had surgery in my life, so the idea of a c-section scares me to death. C-section mamas are so brave and strong, and I don't really know if I can do it without completely losing it. I worry about the pain of recovery and not being the first to hold him. I worry about being alone in recovery. I worry about not getting to nurse him right away. So much anxiety and fear right now, but I'm trying to work through it.

So yeah. That's where we are right now. As of this moment, I'll have an ultrasound Monday and Thursday and then go in Friday to get induced and meet this baby.

Little man, you definitely threw us for a loop this week. Mama and daddy are a little scared and nervous, but we can't wait to meet you!

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Growing Baby 2- 36 Weeks!

36 Weeks on September 28!

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Growing Baby 2-35 Weeks!

35 weeks on September 21!

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