Our Breastfeeding Story

It's National Breastfeeding Week, so I thought that I would share our breastfeeding story here as it's something that I am incredibly proud of and something that I want to remember.

I think for moms who want to breastfeed, one of the biggest worries they have is that they won't be able to. At least that's how it was for me. It was something that I wanted so badly and I was so scared that it wouldn't work. And it almost didn't.

I had read so many birth stories where the baby magically latched on after being born and nursed right away with no trouble. That was not Sawyer. We tried over and over again at the hospital, but he couldn't figure it out. It was amazing to me how many nurses gave up on us so quickly. I look back on it now and it makes me mad and breaks my heart all at the same time. I was a first-time mom, incredibly exhausted and hormonal, I had a baby who couldn't eat, and I felt like no one was helping me.

We were sent home with a syringe and instructions to give him whatever I was able to pump. No amounts. No timeline. We had no clue. That first week was a nightmare. Sawyer screamed almost 24/7, he lost weight, and was labeled failure to thrive. We saw numerous pediatricians and made almost daily trips to the lactation consultants at UK. No one had any answers. I continually asked if he was tongue tied and all of them brushed me off, despite the fact that all the symptoms were there. My baby was starving those first few weeks and it's something that I will never, ever forget.

I eventually was able to get him to "latch." I use quotes because his latch was actually this incredibly painful biting motion that made me grit my teeth and brought tears to my eyes. He refused to nurse from the left side, so for the first 5 months of his life, I nursed exclusively from one side while pumping from the other. It was exhausting. Our pediatrician was not helpful. She told me that breastfeeding always hurt in the beginning.

If you are ever going to nurse a baby or if you are currently nursing and are in pain, please read this: BREASTFEEDING SHOULD NOT HURT. It may be uncomfortable and you may deal with some sensitivity in the beginning, but if it is painful, something is wrong.

Even after getting Sawyer to latch, he still couldn't gain weight. He was nursing almost every 20 minutes, screaming almost all the time, and not sleeping. Our doctor decided that he must have been allergic to something I was eating, so when he was 1 month old, I cut dairy, gluten, soy, egg, rice, and fish from my diet. We started supplementing with formula, but even then he still had trouble sucking from a bottle. He gained a little weight, but was still barely on the charts. He still wanted to eat every 20 minutes (at 3-4 months old, this shouldn't be happening) and he woke up every 20-30 minutes at night. He made clicking and gasping noises when he nursed or took a bottle, and had terrible gas pains and awful reflux. My supply began to suffer because he couldn't figure out how to suck, so my body didn't think there was a demand for milk.

So many people were telling me to throw in the towel and give him formula. They would make comments like, "It's not worth it. I would have stopped by now." And I wanted to scream at all of them. There is absolutely nothing wrong with formula-- it kept my baby alive when I didn't have enough milk. But our issues were so much more than breastfeeding. Something was WRONG and no one seemed to believe me.

When Sawyer was 4 months old we finally were recommended to a midwife an hour and a half away. Sawyer screamed the whole way there, but it was worth it and I will forever be grateful for her-- Christina Scribner of Copper Creek Midwifery. She talked with me for 3 hours. She listened to my concerns, she validated my feelings. And she took one look inside his mouth and confirmed what I had been asking since he was a few days old. Not only did he have a posterior (hidden under the skin) tongue tie, but he also had a lip tie. The lip tie prevented him from flanging his lips back to latch and the tongue tie didn't allow his tongue to move past his lips or lift up and down. Unfortunately, his ties were so severe that she couldn't clip them. So when Sawyer was 5 months old, we drove 2.5 hours to Dayton, Oh where a wonderful doctor named Dr. Notestine corrected his ties with a laser .

The majority of pediatricians and dentists (as well as the lactation consultants I saw) are not trained in diagnosing ties. If it isn't a super obvious one, then they are likely to miss it. It is so frustrating to see mothers talk about how their doctor says their baby isn't tied, but then months later they find out that they were actually tied. We saw 3 pediatricians, a La Leche League leader, and 3-4 lactation consultants and they all missed Sawyer's ties.

Sawyer's procedure only lasted about 2 minutes. It was awful. But as soon as he was finished, he latched on and we had the best nursing session we had ever had. There was absolutely no pain or discomfort. He got full for the first time in his life and slept the whole way home (another first). Within about a week, all of Sawyer's problems disappeared. He went from nursing every 20 minutes to every 3-4 hours. His gas and reflux vanished. He stopped screaming all the time. My supply bounced back and he started nursing both sides, which he had never done before. We still had to do suck training and chiropractic care for awhile because his jaw and mouth were so tight from not being able to fully open them for so long. I remember crying the first time we saw him stick his tongue out because I was so happy and because I knew that the revision and chiropractor had worked.

Fast forward to now, and we are still going strong at 21 months. I never, ever would have thought that we would make it this long or that I would even want to make it this long. It's still exhausting at times. When he needs comfort and reassurance, he wants me. When he's mad or upset, he wants me. When his mouth hurts because he's teething and it's 3 in the morning, he wants me. There are times that I am so touched out that my skin crawls at that thought of nursing. There are times, especially when he is practicing his yoga while nursing, when I think that I want to stop and just burn all my milk-stained nursing bras and call it a day. But then I think that one of these days, he won't come up to me and ask for "Mek" anymore. One of these days he'll run to daddy when he scrapes his knees instead of me. One of these days, I won't nurse him to sleep while singing his night night songs. I am not ready for that yet. He's not ready for that yet.

There are a lot of things I want to remember, like the fact that Sawyer refuses to nurse if he's wearing shoes. I want to remember how he tries to touch my face with his feet, how he says "sweeeesh" when he wants to switch sides, how he plays peek a boo in my shirt, and how when I tell him I love him while he's nursing, he winks at me. The one moment that I want to remember more than anything though, is this one. It's nothing extraordinary, but it makes my heart full. Sawyer was latched on and asleep-- the only way he would nap the first year of his life. I was hot, hungry, exhausted, and I had to pee. I was fighting the urge to just wake him up so I could get him off me. Out of nowhere and without opening his eyes, he put his hand on my face, unlatched and said, "mama," snuggled into me and went right back to sleep. Milk was running out the side of his smiling face and he let out a huge contented sigh. It made all those late nights worth it.

I am so incredibly proud of myself and Sawyer. Our journey has been a lot of work. Some people don't understand it, but they don't have to. It's not their journey. I'm so thankful for the local moms I met who stepped in and told me to just nurse my baby. They told me I wouldn't spoil him and that I should just nurse him whenever he needed it. They made me feel comfortable in my own skin and in my mom skin. They didn't judge me for not wearing a nursing cover (something I never thought I'd be comfortable not using), they didn't judge me when I needed to give him formula, and they supported me each step of the way.

I'm thankful for my husband, who was so supportive of me. He held my hand when I was in pain from Sawyer's latch. He made it clear that he supported my decisions, no matter what. He cleaned pump parts and bottles, he arranged pillows and helped me get comfortable so that I could nurse. He was a rockstar and I couldn't have done it without him.

I am thankful that I listened to my mama gut and kept pushing for answers, I'm thankful for sticking with it even when it was hard and we were both in tears. And I'm so thankful for my sweet blue eyed blondie and this bond that we share.

3 Months!!

Sawyer is 3 months old today! I can't even deal with it. He is growing so much and changing every day. I really do understand why people say to cherish every second when they're little, because I feel like he's going to be all grown up before I know it.

In the past month we've made some headway with his allergies. I tried fish last week and he didn't seem to have any reaction to it. I'll try it again in a few days just to be sure. I accidentally had something with rice starch in it though and he had a pretty bad reaction. I really thought that rice would be the safest bet, but I was definitely wrong! I felt awful because his belly was upset for a few days, but it seems to have gotten out of his system now and he's back to normal. We meet with his pediatrician this week and we'll see how she wants us to proceed with the rest of the foods. We've learned that about 90% of babies with a milk-protein allergy have a soy allergy and about 75% who have a rice allergy have a gluten allergy. Fingers crossed that he doesn't have those in addition to the milk and rice allergies.

He sleeps like a champ at night in his rock and play. It's becoming more and more common for him to sleep for a 5.5-6 hour stretch, wake up to eat, and then sleep again for an hour or so. On the nights he doesn't do that, he'll wake up about every 3-3.5 hours. Sleep during the day is another story, though. He's hit or miss with taking naps. Sometimes he'll have a great 1-2 hour nap and other days he'll catnap for 10-20 minutes. The problem is that he will only sleep if he's on my chest or if I take him for a ride in the car. As much as I love holding him, it would be really nice to put him down for a bit throughout the day so I could get things done.

He's still very attached to me and doesn't really like to be held by anyone else. He'll let David and my mom hold him and entertain him for a bit, but then he wants me. I think most of it is because he's around me all day, every day.

We're still struggling with feedings. I worry that my supply is going down but there's really no way to tell. The herbs that help milk supply hurt his belly, so I can't take those. He's eating almost every hour or so during the day, which is exhausting and leaves no time for pumping. In turn, that means that when I leave for dance I have no milk to leave him so he either has to take formula (which he rarely will do) or David has to bring him to me so I can feed him. Neither situation is ideal. I'm hopeful that all of this will work itself out, but there's a part of me that can't help but worry.

Aside from those things though, the last month has been great. He is so much more aware of his surroundings and wants to be held facing out so that he can look at everything. He loves lying on his piano mat because he can kick and listen to the music and reach for the toys that hang down. He likes to lie in his crib and watch the fish aquarium. He loves when we make silly noises and he loves "talking" back. He also loves when we make fish faces at him and loves the sound we make when we roll our tongues at him. He loves chewing on his Sophie giraffe and looking at the pages in his board books. He can hold his head up for longer periods of time and he grabs and tries to hold on to his toys. He's incredibly ticklish on his ribs and knees. It's so mean, but I can't help but tickle him because he smiles and laughs when I do it!

Sawyer Penn- It is so much fun to watch you learn and discover new things. I really think that besides the snuggles, it's the best part of being your mommy. These past 3 months have been a whirlwind of the best possible kind. You have taught me what it's like to love someone unconditionally and with my whole heart. You've made me love your daddy even more simply because he loves you so much. I live to see you smile and the best thing in the world is watching you sleep in my arms. I know I can't stop you from growing so fast, but I hope you know that no matter how big you get, these arms are always here to hold you. Mommy loves you, Little Man!

11 weeks.

Little Man-

You're going to be 11 weeks old tomorrow. I say it almost every day and I will probably continue to say it for the rest of your life...Where is the time going? You are growing so fast. You're learning new things every day and watching you learn is the best part of my day. In the past week or so you've figured out that you have hands, so now they are constantly in your mouth. You've also started reaching for your toys and you've figured out that you can hit the ones that dangle from your play mat. You love watching lights and listening to music, too.

You're drooling and blowing spit bubbles like crazy. If I didn't know better I would say you're trying to start teething, but I think you're too little for that. You are already starting to hate lying on my chest unless you're sleeping or in need of comfort; any other time you want to be facing out so that you can see what's going on around you. You're also holding your head up on your own for longer periods of time. You're growing physically, too. You're not quite 2.5 months old and you're already too long for most 3 month things!

These past two weeks have been a challenge, though. The week your daddy was sick, it was mostly just you and me. I think you got used to just having mommy snuggles because now you throw a fit when anyone else tries to hold you longer than a few minutes. I love holding you and loving on you, but sometimes I need a break. You also don't like to be put down for naps. You'll only sleep during the day if I'm holding you. You've gotta work on that, buddy. You've also decided that you hate taking bottles, which doesn't work when I have to leave to teach.

You're finally breastfeeding like a champ. The whole breastfeeding thing has been a struggle for both of us. You weren't able to nurse your whole first week, then once you started neither one of us were very good at it. Then we had all the tummy problems. Now the herbs I'm taking for low supply are giving you gas and making you upset. I've had many people tell me that they would have quit by now and I've had a few ask me why I haven't. For me, the answer is easy. I am literally the only person in the world who can do this for you, and you deserve it. I will do whatever I have to do to make sure that you have what you need.

I'll admit, it's not all about you though. It's purely selfish. I love nursing you. I love that when you're upset, you want and need me and I can calm you down instantly. When those little hands search and knead; when you trust me enough to close your eyes when your belly is full and drift off to sleep; when you stop sucking and just smile up at me...all of those things are worth more than all the foods I'm not allowed to eat. There was a moment earlier this week when you fell asleep while nursing. Your head fell back, you had milk running down your chin, and you sighed the biggest, most content sigh I have ever heard. That's a moment that I want to remember forever.

This is the hardest job I've ever had, but it is the most exciting and rewarding one too. You are everything, Mr. Sawyer Penn. I love you more than anything in this world and I always will, no matter what. You are so smart and sweet and you are the most beautiful baby I have ever seen (I'm biased, I know). When you smile (which is so often these days), there is nothing better. I can't wait to keep watching you grow!