One month!

Mr. Sawyer Penn turned one month old yesterday! I can't believe that he's already 4 weeks old. I have no idea where the time has gone. David and I have started figuring things out, finding our rhythm, and getting more comfortable, although there is still so much that we have no clue about! It's really nice to have someone at home to help me out. I have no idea what I'll do when he goes back to work in 2 weeks. All you single parents out there are amazing! I don't know how you do it!
It's very hard to take a photo of your newborn sitting up, when they can't really sit up yet. This is the best we could get.

We're still struggling with tummy issues. Our pediatrician consulted a GI specialist and he basically said he isn't sure if Sawyer has a milk protein allergy, but he doesn't want to chance it. I think he's wrong. I've been off dairy for the past 3 weeks and there has been no change (for better or worse). Yesterday was a particularly bad day. He was awake from about 7am-midnight, with a very short nap in between. He has so much gas and is in so much pain; I hate that I can't do anything to help him. We've tried gas drops, probiotics, Gripe Water, massage...none of it seems to help. We've started supplementing the breast milk with formula because I don't make enough yet to keep him full. We hate the formula. He hates the taste of it and I hate feeding it to him. It smells like dirty old Cheese Its. I'm really hoping that the doctors are able to help us figure out an answer soon!
On happier news, Little Man has grown so much in the past 4 weeks! Physically, he's up to (as of Thursday) to 9lbs 14oz. Considering that he got down to 7lbs 10 oz from his birth weight (8lbs 10oz), he's packed on over 2 pounds! He's also up to 22 inches from 20 3/4. I can't believe he's getting so big! I want my teeny newborn back!
He's still sleeping for about 2-3 hours at a time and then wakes up to eat. Some nights he'll go right back to sleep and other nights he decides he wants to hang out with mom and dad for a few hours before falling back to sleep. He still loves riding in the car and will fall asleep in the carseat almost immediately. Lying on top of the dryer works wonders to help him fall asleep as well! He had his first bath in his big boy bathtub the other day and really loved it. I can't wait until he's big enough to splash around in there! He doesn't mind tummy time at all. I've heard of some other babies who really hate it, but he seems to love it. He's constantly trying to lift his head up to look around. He's really starting to focus on our faces and he has a lot more control over his eyes. I still don't think he can really see us, but I know he recognizes me and David! His smiles are starting to come more often as well. The easiest way to get one out of him is to give him a big kiss and make the "mwah" sound really loud. He loves it and will almost always smile at me when I do it. We're also starting to hear his "voice" a bit. He's starting to make little coos and gurgles and they're much different from the crying and other noises he's been making. He gives me what we refer to as "zombie kisses." When he's lying on my chest and he starts feeling hungry, he will push himself up to my face and root around with his mouth open, giving me these big open mouth kisses on my cheek while making noises like a zombie would (Brains! Milk!). It's hilarious. We need to catch it on video.
This past month has been a whirlwind. I still can't believe that this amazing little person is ours! It's incredibly terrifying knowing that you are responsible for another human being. Everything else in my life up to this point kind of pales in comparison to having this little boy. There were times before he was born where we wondered if we would hate being parents (I think maybe everyone does this? Maybe we're just weird?). It seems like a lot to completely give up your freedom and your lifestyle. Let me tell you though, all that "stuff" that we were worried about giving up? Doesn't even matter. This little man is everything. Being a mom is the best thing I've ever done in my life and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Although I'm sad he's growing so fast, I love seeing how much he changes every day. I can't wait to see what the next month holds for us!

2.5 Weeks Old

Sweet Sawyer-

I can't believe that you are almost 3 weeks old! If the past 2.5 weeks are any indication, then you're going to be heading off to kindergarten before I know it. I feel like you were just born yesterday, but I also feel like I've known you my whole life. I will admit, it's a little hard to share you. I had you all to myself for 9 months. I knew you before anyone else, felt you move before anyone else, and held you before anyone else... so sometimes it's hard to let you go and share you with the other people who love you. I'm working on it though.

These past 18 days have been quite the learning experience for me and your daddy. I hope that you continue to be patient with us while we figure this whole thing out! We're probably going to do a few things wrong along the way, but hopefully we'll get everything right soon.

Right now we're having a little trouble figuring out why you're having so much reflux and gas. At first we thought that you were allergic to milk, so I stopped eating dairy. That turned out not to be the case, so now we're back to square one. Let me tell you little man, it's the worst feeling in the world to know that you're hurting and know that I can't do anything to fix it right now. I really hope we figure it out soon. Just know that it's really hard for me to give up cheese! Macaroni and cheese was the only thing that you wanted me to eat while you were in my belly, and it's still all I want- so you should know that I love you more than mac n cheese. ;)

At 2.5 weeks, you are already so so strong. You try so hard to lift your head up and you push your feet off my arms when I'm holding you on my chest. You've also kicked the diaper out of your daddy's hand a few times when he's tried to change you. We've tried having you sleep in a bassinet and a few other baby seat things, but you don't really care for them. You'd rather sleep on my chest or curled up next to my side and honestly, that's what I prefer too. :)

You have the sweetest, chubbiest cheeks and the most gorgeous lips I've ever seen. I can't resist kissing them all the time. The best is when I give you a big kiss and the corner of your mouth lifts into the cutest grin I've ever seen in my life. I'm not wanting you to grow any faster than you already are, but I can't wait until you can give me kisses back!

You hate having your clothes and diaper changed. You scrunch your little legs up and it makes it really hard to get new diapers on you! Your daddy is becoming quite the pro at diaper changes; he's done way more than mommy has! You hate pacifiers. You'd much rather suck on mama's pinky finger. It's weird, but it's one of the only things that helps calm you down. You also hate for anyone to touch your feet or hands. This comes in handy when you fall asleep while nursing, because if I touch them you get mad and wake up! You get really hot all the time. You don't like to be swaddled because you get hot and you like to keep your hands free. We tried to have your newborn photos taken last week, but you got so hot you broke out in a rash and cried the whole time!

You love riding in the car. It only takes a few minutes in the car seat for you to fall asleep. We've taken quite a few 2am drives to try and get you to calm down and go to sleep! Speaking of sleep, your daddy and I are not getting much of it. I was really afraid that I would get frustrated at you for crying all the time or keeping me up all the time. But I know you can't help it. All it takes is for me to hold you and look at your face and the frustration leaves. It's an amazing feeling knowing that you know me and need me, and that I can comfort you and make you feel safe.

I know that being out here is new and scary for you, but I hope you're able to tell how much your daddy and I love you. There isn't a thing in the world that we wouldn't do for you. I absolutely can't wait to get to know you more. Will you love to dance and read like your mama? Or be into computers and music like your daddy? Whatever you decide to do and whoever you become, your daddy and I will support you 100%.

You're asleep right now beside me and I have to say that it takes all I have not to scoop you up and squeeze you and smother you with kisses. The love I feel for you is unimaginable and I know that your daddy feels the same way. I'll go on and tell you now that there will be times when we have no clue what we're doing or times when we completely get it wrong, but I can promise you that we will keep on trying until we get it right! I promise to always be here for you, to support you in anything you choose to do, and to love you more than anyone else in the world ever will.

Love,
Your mama.